Blogging the RNC

by Jon

I don’t write a lot about electoral politics, but why not use the Republican National Convention as an excuse to get drunk and write about shit about shit?

6:45
First of all, WHY THE FUCK is ABC News giving Cokie Roberts a platform to go on about all of the goddamn politicians she’s known? Seriously – she’s trying to talk about how Obama is terrible on the issues, and the anchors ask her instead to reminisce about her life growing up with and around politicians. #whywecanthavenicethings (I have a feeling that this particular hashtag might be a recurring theme over the course of the week).

Also, watching Cokie Roberts basically play chicken with the anchors over who gets to talk and then have them all stop and try to be gracious to each other is pretty hilarious. Cokie won, and is now going on about some bullshit having to do with her being pregnant around Lyndon Johnson.

6:50
Ann Romney’s job is to “humanize” Mitt. lolololol

Also, now the anchors are going on about the cakes that Ann Romney feeds the press and discussing whether or not they’re good. Top-notch political muckraking, courtesy Yahoo! News

Apparently the ABC anchors are giving George Stephenopolis a lap dance? Maybe?

Stephenopolis is laying down some A-grade insights – did you realize that the Republicans are “disappointed” in Obama? And that’s why they’re enthusiastically supporting Romney? Turns out it isn’t racism after all! I’m glad we got that settled.

6:55
Diane Sawyer apparently likes talking about ladybusiness with Ann Romney.

OK, so I don’t watch a lot of TV news or even read much outside of the blogs and one or two newspapers. I feel like I’m learning more about our media in this country than I am about the Republicans. And honestly, these people are almost as frightening as the tea-party race-war-mongering social-safety-net-burning zombie-eyed granny starvers and semi-human automata that make up the Republican party elite.

Also, I think that George Stephenopolis is making up quotes – does Haley Barbour actually know the words “plutocrat” and “equestrian”?

This apparently isn’t 1988. You learn something new every day.

7:00
Mitt Romney needs to fix the Republican Party brand (thanks, George). Apparently the Republicans are unpopular because Romney is kind of awkward and not because of policies that alienate people who are not wealthy Christian straight white cis men.

Wait, does the average ABC News watcher still use eBay? eBay still exists?

CAVE PAINTINGS ARE STUPID LOL

(For the record, I’m like 5 glasses of wine in and Ann Romney’s not even going to be on for two more hours… this is going to get ugly)

7:05
FORFUCKSSAKESTOPTALKINGABOUTHOWYOU’REPOLITICALJUNKIES
Seriously, you’re political reporters. There are actual stories to be covered out there beyond the colossal boner you get hearing Cokie Roberts reminisce about backtalking that n-word-lover LBJ or whether Ann Romney’s going to help her husband’s image or how effective a surrogate Rick Santorum will be on welfare.

And jesus fucking christ IF YOU KNOW THAT ROMNEY IS DOING THIS SHIT TO GIN UP THE WHITE VOTE THEN THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN ISN’T JUST “ACCUSING ROMNEY OF RACE BAITING”. USING RACIALLY THEMED MESSAGES TO GIN UP RACIAL RESENTMENT AND INCREASE THE WHITE VOTE IS RACE BAITING.

7:10
Stop talking about social media. You’re promoting “Yahoo!’s The Signal” which “I think of as beepbeepbeepbeep (whateverthefuckthatmeans)” Seriously, you’re embarrassing yourselves.

OMG PEOPLE ARE BEING MEAN TO MITT ON TEH TWITTERZ BUT THEY LURVES THEM SOME ANN ROMNEY (it’s math, don’t worry about it)

“This hashtag is all over the place” #hashtagbukkake

OH MAN HERE’S SOMEONE FROM UNIVISION “YOU CARE ABOUT HISPANIC SPEAKERS” – I shit you not, not only do they feel the need to tell a Univision anchor who his audience is, but they call them “hispanic speakers”

7:15
They’re discussing whether Romney can do anything with the Latino vote without discussing any issues that Latinos care about. I need another drink.

The Univision guy isn’t letting them get away with it – I hope that they’re at least self-aware enough to recognize that they should feel embarrassed, even if they’re not quite smart enough to figure out why.

7:20
Holy shit these people are bad at their jobs – not just the inanity and bullshit, but even the basic technical aspects.

Apparently Chris Christie is unique because he’s a Republican who’s doing well in a state dominated by Democrats – has this asshole never heard of those podunk nowheres New York and California?

“Political fantasy football” is the new thing to “engage young voters.” I don’t think one box of wine’s going to be enough.

“THE GAMIFICATION OF YOUTH CULTURE” DO YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO YOURSELVES

Oh, and “political fantasy football” is not your conventional political fantasy game (again, I shit you not, this guy just said that). They grade candidates on “honesty” and give “the kids” “points” for “checking in” to “political” “events” on “Foursquare” and “reading” “political stories”. – You can win a trip to the VMAs. Seriously, the VMAs. That’s how you get teh kidz into politics!

7:25
I don’t care that they’re doing a retrospective on the 1856 Republican Convention, as if the 19th century Republican Party bore any resemblance to modern day Republicans. What I want to know is why they’re playing Revolution-sounding fife and drum music over it.

7:30
The head of the American Conservative Union is on ‘ludes or some such shit.

Also, apparently the Republicans got all of the Latinos and the Democrats didn’t, so there, stupid reporter faces. Romney is also apparently committed to bipartisan immigration reform and the only presidents who have ever done anything about immigration were Ronaldus Magnus and Pappy Bush. The DREAM Act apparently never happened? And the anchors don’t remember it either (I mean, they are pretty pasty white, so they may have missed it)

7:35
Now the anchors are pushing the idea that the Tea-Party is pushing for transparency and opening up politics to the “little guy”. The ACU guy turns around and calls the ABC News anchors “new media”. WORDS MEAN THINGS *cries into wine*

I stopped listening for a moment, but as soon as I turn away, I hear “Hooters and driving under the influence”. Now there’s the Republicans I know and love.

7:40
Apparently the Paulistas are invading the convention? By charging in with cardboard signs? And innocent Comedy Central correspondents have to be rescued by riot police? (To be fair, she may have been rescued from the pole she walked into while tweeting – the anecdote was ambiguous)

(Also worth noting – it’s kind of incredible how uncomfortable the ABC people were made by the really milquetoast jokes at Romney’s expense made by the nice white lady from Comedy Central)

Regarding security: “You do have to chuckle about it” – because Republicans and guns are hilarious!

7:45
COSPLAY AT THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congressional cosplay? Ok, I’ve changed my mind, no thank you. Seriously, no.

Pinocchio jokes? [Insert Mitt Romney/Wooden-American joke here]

7:50
Oh, good, it’s time for everyone’s favorite show, Republican Randos. (She voted for Gingrich!)

Ok, so this is not going to be original, but does anyone else find the “We Built It” signs which were presumably not physically made by the Republican party and are adorning and large government facility irritating?

8:00
Scott Walker “gets things done” which is why “Democrats” didn’t want the unions to take him on. Can I request that the union thugs from The Wire meet these assholes in a dark alley with some lead pipes?

Delegate Bingo? Is this more of that newfangled gamification?

Scott Walker is even sleazier looking (and sounding) than I’d imagined.

8:10
Fuck it. I can’t handle thinking about this shit anymore. When the revolution comes, I hope the talking heads are the first against the wall.

Advertisements